Patina Start - Your - Engines! It’s race day!
Patina Start - Your - Engines! It’s race day!
Cast:
- Marathon Messenger is played by Penn Van Batavia. She can be found on Twitter at @acquiredchaste and in drag as horror king JOHN on Instagram at @john.is.risen. Penn is an indie TTRPG designer whose most recent work includes SLICE *IT* OUT, a grisly carving RPG about cutting pieces of yourself out to fit in. Check out faer other work at pennharper.itch.io.
- Cassidy Shard is played by Sydney Whittington. She is our wonderful editor. She’s also a contributing editor and occasional guest player for the Orpheus Protocol, a cosmic horror espionage actual play podcast. Find her on Twitter at @sydney_whitt.
- Emma Blackwood is played by Cameron Robertson. Find her on Twitter at @midnightmusic13 and on Instagram at @reading_and_dreaming. Cameron is also a player on Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars Edge of the Empire actual play podcast.
- Birdie Foundling is played by Kit Adames. Find her on Twitter at @venusvultures. Kit is also a voice actor and writer on Elevator Pitch Podcast, a queer genre-hopping anthology podcast that can be accessed on Spotify and YouTube.
- Our GM and narrator is Nick Robertson. Find him on Twitter at @alias58. Nick is also the GM for Tabletop Squadron and can also be found as a player on the Orpheus Protocol.
Music & Sound Credits:
- This podcast features the musical talents of Dora Violet and Arne Parrott. You can find Dora at facebook.com/doraviolett. You can find Arne at atptunes.com.
- old radio Channel search sound effect by Garuda1982. Link & License.
- WALLA Ballpark Chatter by AshFox. Link & License.
- Motorcycle ride by roman_cgr. Link & License.
- WALLA Ballpark Applause Short 05 by AshFox. Link & License.
- Fireworks, Close » Fireworks, Standard, A.wav by InspectorJ. Link & License.
- Motorcycle Tire Burn Drive Away by AshFox. Link & License.
- ExplosionBombBlastAmbientE.wav by Zimbot. Link & License.
- WALLA Ballpark Applause Short 04 by AshFox. Link & License.
- WALLA Ballpark Applause Short 01 by AshFox. Link & License.
- WALLA Ballpark Applause Short 01 by AshFox. Link & License.
- Yearning for Better Days by Squire Tuck. Link & License.
- Live-It (instrumental) by Ketsa. Link & License.
Art Credits:
- The official artwork for this podcast was created by Rashed AlAkroka, who can be found on Instagram and Artstation @rashedjrs.
Find Us Online:
- Our Website
- Twitter
- Join our Patreon
- Join our Discord
A Knight of Shreds and Patches Transcript
Season 3 Episode 19: Just as Wild as They Were
Transcript by Cameron Robertson
Intro:
[hurdy gurdy music begins]
Nick: Welcome, listeners, to A Knight of Shreds and Patches. An immersive actual play podcast. This episode features the talents of –
Penn: Penn Van Batavia as Marathon Messenger and Gwendolyn Rozenthall.
Kit: Kit Adames as Birdie Foundling and Vaus Foundling.
Cameron: Cameron Robertson as Emma Blackwood and Janus Foundling.
Sydney: Sydney Whittington as Cassidy Shard and Winifred Foundling.
Nick: Nick Robertson as GM and Narrator.
Sydney: Hello listeners, this is your editor, Sydney, with today’s messages:
Since you’re the best and we love you, (because yes, you are deserving of love and affection), we thought today would be a great day to bring you some [announcer] extreme sports! [normal] Specifically, today we’re featuring a working version of a standalone X-Bike ruleset created by Penn, and then modified by the rest of us to work with our Genesys characters and stats. If that sounds like a party, then you’ll be excited to know that fae plans to release it in the not-so-distant future, once we’ve given it a thorough shakedown here on the show. In the meantime, if you want something to tide you over, like content featuring a certain other extreme sport, consider backing our Patreon, which gives you access to bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.
And with that, we wrap up today’s announcements and head into Season 3, Episode 19: Just as Wild as They Were. And so…
“Join us, for now our tale to yours attaches
To carry hope: a Knight of Shreds and Patches.”
[hurdy gurdy music ends]
[electronic beeping]
[robotic powerup noise begins]
Distorted Robotic Voice: Power restored. Systems online. Reconfiguring audio connection.
[robotic powerup noise fades to radio frequency static]
[over radio]
Penn (as Marathon): Last time on a Knight of Shreds and Patches, we all met - and by we all I mean the Patina AND the Foundlings…a collection of beautiful wonderful people. All met at uh Nona’s humble abode above the Foundling crate uh where we had a bunch of cookies to celebrate the survival of a Turning! Which is like a debilitating like seismic event on the moving city of Sasnak Traveling and I got a little concussion, but you know, uh Dr. Tawny Fowler gave me some medication to handle that for now uhhhhhhh made me sleepy. I don’t know if I was supposed to sleep. But uh, [thinking noise] oh the Foundling kiddos - they told me I was gonna explode from some cookies and kinda sent me to the demon zone and that was kinda scary. Even though Dr. Tawny Fowler is like, like uhh, oooh she makes me, like sweat and blush-y in the face, I am STANDING by my labeless relationship with Miss Cassidy and our exclusive slash non-exclusivity sitch I’m not entirely, entirely straight about. But, b-b-but yeah it was awesome. The cookies fucked so hard and then I took a nap downstairs uhh, after the gracious kind and amazing Miss Emma helped me and I overheard like a little bit of what was going on - like apparently, you know I didn’t catch all of it, but we’re supposed to win at X Biking so we can get the trophy cause the trophy’s got some special shit inside. And after we get the special shit we, we party! We do good. We won Sasnak Traveling - We win Sasnak Traveling, I think. But uh, TO DO THAT Miss Cassidy needs to be ready in less than FOUR FREAKING DAYS. That’s like, NOT MUCH TIME! OH MY GOD I feel a little bad that I set up Miss Cassidy, but I know she’s gonna do great and then she won’t be mad at me cause she’ll be like “WOAH Marathon! You were right, I am so good at this. I’m so naturally talented and beautiful and smart and amazing and I’m just…” Is anybody else like, really tired again?
[radio static]
Episode Start:
Nick: The sun is bright and hot overhead. The glare of noon beats down on a line of X Bikes at the beginning of a race to a small but dedicated crowd. The preliminary races happen often enough that there is always a fresh bevy of riders to try their hand and look to get their teams promoted. The low rumble of the bikes, punctuated by the sharp peaks of revving engines, fill the air as the 3 X Bike teams await the signal to start the race. Cassidy and Birdie are both prepared to start with the opposing teams on either side. What do you and your bikes look like before the race begins?
Kit: Birdie is currently perched on top of this thick, brutish motorcycle that has blue flame decals along the sides that fade into purple. Sitting just on top of the headlight for the motorcycle is a screaming panther's head statuette that acts as a figurehead for the Hellcat, Zan's X Bike that Birdie has adopted to carry on Zan's name. Birdie herself is dressed in an all black racing outfit that consists of a black leather halter vest, black bikini bottoms that attach to leather black and gold chaps. It would be an ill suited racing uniform, if not for the fact that she has gunmetal colored shoulder pauldrons that are beat up and patched with hard plastic that feed down into gauntlets that are covered in a halo of spikes and wires to fend off people that might try and grab her arm or any other part of her body while she's trying to drive. Her gloves and boots both have claw like attachments that make it easier to be on the offense should other riders get too close. And she carries attached to the side of her bike and in her hands three meat hooks that feed into chains onto the bike. Every other driver in this race currently has some sort of get up that is very akin to this. There are dog muzzle masks and very vicious looking attachments to everyone's silhouette in order to best protect themselves and attack others during the tournament.
Sydney: Except for Cassidy. Cassidy took the advice from Opal to be flashier to heart, and decided to ignore that, and went full practical - standing out by virtue of being the only one to not play the game. She's wearing a what from a distance just looks like a brown plaid flannel shirt. Up close, you can tell that it is reinforced with heavier abrasion resistant fabric, and has the armor plates in it to protect her arms and shoulders. She's got normal brown, thick leather gloves, thick khaki pants, again abrasion resistant - probably more protection than everyone else out there, because she's not making any sacrifices for aesthetics - and her classic brown leather boots. She has a black helmet with a black visor fully covering up her facial features. Her hair is tucked up inside her helmet. She's not got any visible accessories, spikes or weapons - things for additional reach, though the pockets and interior stash places are all full of throwing knives. She's not unprotected. She's just not advertising it. Cassidy's bike, which is the one that they got as part of a package deal with Audrey and Surge, is smaller than a lot of the other bikes out there. It's definitely concentrating more on maneuverability than on speed. It's what looks like a fairly minimalist classic dirt bike - silver plating over the engine and important bits, brown handlebars. It would not look out of place in any of the trading convoys that the Patina had seen on the roads between major towns, but looks quite out of place compared to the excess of the other racers.
Kit: Just before they actually start the countdown, Birdie will lean over to Cassidy and will hold out her hand and extend her pinky.
Kit (as Birdie): See ya at the end?
Sydney: Cassidy, seeing Birdie look like she was about to talk, had flipped up her visor, and reaches out, careful not to get caught on the meat hook that's on the back of Birdie's hand.
Sydney (as Cassidy): See ya at the end.
Kit (as Birdie): Okay. Pinky promise me. I'm not gonna let go until you pinky promise me, Cassidy.
Sydney (as Cassidy): That green light's gonna turn on here soon.
Kit (as Birdie): It's allowed. Pinky promised me.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Fine. I pinky promise you, but that means you gotta get to the end too.
Kit (as Birdie): Don't worry about me. I'll be okay.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Uh huh.
Kit: And Birdie will grin at her and lean back and pull down a half face mask that is designed to look like the jaws of some sort of lion or tiger.
Nick: And so as Birdie and Cassidy are prepared to start, a line of lights hanging from the stands closest to you begins to light. You see a yellow light, and then another yellow light, a third, and then right before the final green light flashes, starting the race, Birdie, you can't help but be distracted remembering how you got your motorcycle. You remember back over the last few days and what you had to do to get a hold of this bike to help your friends.
Kit: Birdie is standing outside of Janus' bookstore door and it's late afternoon. She's been walking around all day procrastinating a conversation she knew that she would have to have at some point. But she's here now, and she can't avoid it any longer, so she will duck her head in to try and see if Janus is in direct eyeline of the entrance of the store.
Kit (as Birdie): [quiet] Janus? [very quickly] Okay, I didn't hear anything. Bye~.
Cameron: Janus pops up from behind the counter.
Kit (as Birdie): [under breath] Damn it.
Cameron (as Janus): Oh! Hi Birdie.
Kit (as Birdie): Hey~. Um,
Cameron (as Janus): Where are you going? [laugh]
Kit (as Birdie): I have to ask you something.
Kit: And she'll slowly squeeze into the bookstore.
Kit (as Birdie): Are you busy?
Cameron (as Janus): No...
Cameron: Janus start just to look concerned, and sets down the pile of books that she had just picked up from the floor onto the desk next to the cash register.
Cameron (as Janus): What's going on? [mom mode activated]
Kit (as Birdie): [much like a child trying to not tell their parent something] Nothing bad~. I just have a -
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah your tone, your to- [laugh] your tones being super convincing of that, Birdie.
Kit (as Birdie): Do you have Zan's bike?
Cameron (as Janus): Uh, yeah.
Kit (as Birdie): [does not sound happy] I need it.
Cameron: Janus purses her lips and nods.
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah.Yeah I've, I've got it. You, you're gonna race?
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah. Um, you just, it's hard to get another bike that's of X Biking quality in time, really. And um, you know, I I didn't - I was gonna lie to you just now, um, and say that I didn't know that you had it, but I totally knew that you had it, because you're the only one who would have it, besides Vaus maybe. Still kind of hurts to think about, I guess.
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah. Um Vaus had it initially, but was, was keeping it with them at home and needed the the reminder out of the space, but, um,
Kit (as Birdie): [sad] Yeah.
Cameron (as Janus): [focus up. no feelings here] Yeah, I - it's, it's, it's here, actually.
Kit (as Birdie): It's here?
Cameron (as Janus): I have so much storage, Birdie, you would not believe it.
Kit (as Birdie): Why?
Cameron (as Janus): Do I have so much storage?
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah.
Cameron (as Janus): So I can put things in it - like X Bikes. [laugh]
Kit (as Birdie): [laugh] You have to remember that the last seven years my entire life has been a backpack.
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah no, that's not doable.
Kit (as Birdie): Not for you. You have too many books.
Cameron (as Janus): Mnmn. Cannot fit an X Bike in a backpack.
Kit (as Birdie): Mhm.
Cameron (as Janus): Oh also the books. Yeah. Uh~
Kit (as Birdie): Okay.
Cameron (as Janus): Yup.
Kit (as Birdie): And the keys are the ones that are on the wall?
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah. Yep.
Kit (as Birdie): [groan] That's really messed up, though. Maybe - I don't know. I'll go get them, I guess, after I get the bike.
Cameron (as Janus): So before, before you talk yourself out of going and taking the keys and doing the bike. Zan would want you to have the bike.
Kit (as Birdie): [questioning groan]
Cameron (as Janus): Very much so, like it would, it would thrill them incessantly for you to be just as wild as they were.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, like, I get this feeling though, that they would have hated it, like
Cameron (as Janus): Well, so there [laugh], there definitely was a reason that they never let you ride it, but
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, it handles terribly.
Cameron (as Janus): I don't think that was it. Um,
Cameron (as Black Cat): Meow.
Cameron: A black cat walks around the corner of one of the bookshelves and just stares at Birdie.
Kit (as Birdie): Oh, what the hell?
Cameron (as Janus): What?
Kit (as Birdie): That's messed up.
Cameron (as Janus): That that I have a cat?
Kit (as Birdie): It's like an omen. You know? That's one of those, like, one of those things that Nona always talks about.
Cameron (as Janus): It is just a black cat.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah~ but Zan's bike is [cries in hellcat]. Ah, okay. I wanna race. I wanna help out my team. I wanna do all these things. I just, you know, it's like, I feel like if I get on the bike and I ride it then it means that Zan still actually dead, and it's still messed up.
Cameron (as Janus): Well, so I don't think there's any good way to say this that doesn't make me sound extremely callous, but regardless of whether you ride the bike or not, Zan is still dead.
Kit (as Birdie): I know~
Cameron (as Janus): And -
Kit (as Birdie): It's like and principle of the thing.
Cameron (as Janus): Okay, but do you think Zan wants me to have the bike? It's just sitting, it's just sitting in storage.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah. Okay. It'll be fine, right? It'll be fine?
Cameron (as Janus): Yeah.
Kit (as Birdie): X Bikers use other people's, other dead people's bikes all the time.
Cameron (as Janus): Um.
Kit (as Birdie): You know, they say that there's only been like, 20 unique bikes on Sasnak for X Biking.
Cameron (as Janus): Okay, I don't think that's true.
Kit (as Birdie): No, like, by the time I get to the finals or something like that. I don't know.
Cameron (as Janus): Oh, okay.
Kit (as Birdie): Zan used to tell me some stupid shit.
Cameron (as Janus): I don't I don't know if I would believe Zan on that. Um, but no Zan - Zan would want the bike to be being a bike and not sitting in my storage room in the back.
Kit (as Birdie): Well, thank you for keeping it.
Cameron (as Janus): Let's go look at it.
Cameron: Janus steps out from around the counter and waves to where Nate is standing at the cafe counter on the other side, so that he's now got full boss powers in the bookshop, and she winds through the shelves and walks towards the back to a door underneath the stairs.
Kit (as Birdie): [small groan]
Cameron (as Janus): All right, come on.
Kit (as Birdie): Okay. I'm coming. I'm coming. [sigh]
Cameron: Janus opens up the door, flips the light switch, and this is a very very empty, small storage room, but towards the back of it, in the middle, there is what is very obviously a bike covered in a tarp.
Kit: Birdie will look at Janus expectantly and then realize that Janus wants her to have this moment, and she'll grumble a little bit to herself, grab the tarp and yank it off unceremoniously. Birdie will hug Janus and give her an awkward sibling pat, and then start walking the bike out of the shop while still grumbling about how it's going to handle terribly.
Nick: And we are back on the track as the final light flashes green and the roar of engines announce the start of the race. Dirt is thrown behind the X Bikes as everyone pours on the gas attempting to get an advantage off of the starting line. The first part of this course is a straight away so that bikes can get up to speed before the obstacles begin, and as you tear around the first corner, throwing yet more dirt up into the stands to the cheer of the sparse crowd, we see the first obstacle ahead of you.
Penn: In order to determine what the obstacle will be, we'll be using different stats. So Birdie as the fastest bike, you'll be choosing between the two Driver stats that will be used on this challenge. Would you rather use Cool or Drive?
Kit: I think I'd like to use Drive.
Penn: And Cassidy since you're right behind, you get to choose the Bike stat we'll be using, so would you like to use Speed or Maneuver?
Sydney: Let's use Maneuver.
Penn: Perfect. So Drive and Maneuver together - this will be a Technical Challenge. So then Cameron, you and I as announcers, we will build the obstacle. So we're gonna think of a Technical Obstacle, a threat to bike control.
Cameron: Since this is the minor league races, my brain just immediately went to a dog show, like an agility show, and having the poles that all of the dogs have to weave between, but doing it on bikes.
Penn: That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Our second step is to make it Extreme. So Nick, what should we do to make this obstacle extreme, these dog poles?
Nick: The dog poles have live electric wires laced all through them.
Penn: Mmm. And then our third step for this obstacle is to give it a cool name. So I think this is a classic - they call it The Power Lines. So now, once we've created the obstacle, we introduce it as the announcers. We'll describe it for the listening audiences at home. So Cameron, would you rather be the commentator or the guest judge?
Cameron: I want to be a guest judge.
Penn: So you'll need a name, a reason for your celebrity status, and a project that you're plugging during the announcing.
Nick: As the racers approach the first obstacle, the camera zooms over the crowd, showing spectators listening to the announcers on handheld radios distributed at concessions, almost like a drive in theater. We continue up to the commentators booth where one of the normal announcers is joined by a guest judge to get the excitement going in the stadium.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] And our racers are off! I am your commentator, The Gargantuan, here with guest commentator~ - please introduce yourself.
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Oh. Irene Holmes.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Irene Holmes, winner of the Great Merchant's Alley Cronut Show, recently wrote a cookbook. What is the name of your cookbook, Miss Irene?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Just Add Cronuts.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Just Add Cronuts. Oh, and I see - what sort of insight do you have as our talented racers approach the first obstacle, the dreaded Power Lines?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] You know, when I was growing up, my dad used to watch X Bikes all the time, and I just think that, you know, X Biking and cooking just go so well together, because, like, both need fuel.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Yeah, I appreciate the unique insight that you're giving us that I wouldn't get from any other commentator. Makes me sad I hung up my handlebars, but appreciate it, Irene.
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Thank you. Oh look there's poles!
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] These challengers, as they approach the Power Lines, need to watch out for those electrified wires around those poles as they're weaving in and out.
Penn: So we just announced the Power Lines, now we're going to play the track. So we're gonna have each rider roll Technical, which is Drive and Maneuver.
Nick: So you'll be rolling your Driving skill with the Maneuver stat of your bike, just like with a Genesys check. For this race as a preliminary race, it will be average difficulty for the obstacles.
Sydney: Cassidy's Driving is a rank three, and with the Maneuverability three of her bike, she's rolling three yellows against two purples.
Kit: Birdie will be rolling two yellows and two purples.
[dice rolling]
Sydney: Three successes and an advantage,
Kit: Two successes and a threat.
Nick: Okay, so, because this is a technical challenge, each of you will get technical points equal to your number of successes. Cassidy you got three successes, so you'll get three points, and you had an advantage so you'll get a blue die on your next check. Birdie on Hellcat you got two points, and you also had a threat, so you'll take one point of instability against your motorcycle, because you're gonna get bumped around a little bit on this first obstacle. For this race, your bikes can handle up to 10 instability.
Sydney: How does the scoring work?
Penn: So at the end of the four categories - Place, Technical, Swagger, and Tricks - two of them get doubled. It is random which two get doubled, and then you just add them all up.
Kit: Birdie does not have the same dimensions that Zan did when they were riding this bike, and while Audrey and Surge were able to make some adjustments, it is still hard for her to maneuver in a smooth fashion. So the audience watches Birdie almost stand up on the bike to dig her heels in and leverage the handles around, using her body weight. And it's not the most smooth thing, but she is left in a more vulnerable position because she had to use more of her leverage than the other bikers had to. Birdie doesn't say anything to Cassidy as Cassidy pulls ahead, but Cassidy does overhear as she speeds up, given that her bike is a bit easier to handle than Birdie's, Birdie go
Kit (as Birdie): [yelling] God damn it, Zan!
Sydney: This type of slalom obstacle is something that Cassidy had been drilling in the time between being informed that she was going to be X Bike racing and now, so the electric addition, while it ups the stakes, it doesn't change the way that she takes this obstacle. For something that was organic this would be a very economy of motion, barely brushing the poles - on a motorcycle it's not quite that tight because the speed is correspondingly higher, but the tires chirp a little bit as she takes this very technically soundly, because it's something that she's practiced. She looks pretty relaxed, focused, but she's not taking any additional stances or having to throw herself super hard into the turns to hold on to the bike - it's responsive in her hands. As she clears the obstacle, she shoots past Birdie, who had to slow a little bit further down to be able to negotiate the hazards.
Nick: And to see the lay of the track, the other teams are the Green team and the Yellow team. Cameron, could you roll me a green and a yellow against two purples twice please?
Cameron: Yup.
[dice rolling]
Cameron: First one is just one failure.
Nick: Oh, that's not good.
Cameron: Second one is a success and a threat.
Nick: Okay, so Green team is going to take some damage, and Yellow team is in third. So as Cassidy and Birdie tear ahead, you see that the two Green riders are working in tandem, but having some struggles, and one of them actually gets tangled up in one of the shock poles, and it falls very far behind. The Yellow team is not working together in really any way as far as maneuvering through the pack, and they also look very unsure of themselves, and are making pretty slow progress. So Cassidy is currently in first and Birdie is in second place.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Oh, you hate to see it - Green falling behind. This is an exciting race with relative newcomer and outsider - let me check my notes - The Shard pulling ahead to the lead in this qualifying match. What are your thoughts on this simply decorated rider, Miss Irene?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] You know, she is not very interesting, but like, she's going really fast and like, that's good for racing.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Definitely. I agree with you, Irene. Come on, Irene, yes. Fast is good. Fast isn't everything in X Bikes, but truly, I - your insight is very appreciated, as these racers approach the next deadly obstacle.
Penn: And then we go back to our order. So Cassidy, since you are in the lead, you will actually pick last. We'll say Yellow team who's still in the running - Nick should this challenge be more Cool or more Drive focused?
Nick: I'm gonna say this one is Cool.
Penn: Perfect. And then Birdie in second place you get to pick, is this a Speed or Maneuver challenge?
Kit: Mmm Speed. Sorry Cassidy. [laughs in faster bike]
Penn: So this is Cool and Speed, making this a Swagger Obstacle. So let's switch it up - Nick what kind of track challenge would you associate with a Swagger Challenge? An opportunity to look cool or to flaunt or to taunt.
Nick: So this obstacle is actually free of dirt and is a polished steel plate that's maybe 20 yards long on the track, and is designated as somewhere where riders can do driving tricks. So instead of doing a flip off a ramp or something like this, this would be riding sidesaddle, or dragging your feet behind the bike, or putting your feet on the handlebars or something like that.
Penn: And then how would we make this obstacle Extreme with this raceway? We'll add fireworks are going off constantly as they're passing through. Cameron, what's a cool name for this metal stretch with constant fireworks?
Cameron: The Grandstander.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Our riders approach the Grandstander, a new obstacle constructed by our constructioneers. Irene, what do you think of this monstrosity of firework and metal?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Well the fireworks are exciting and it's very shiny, but I don't know why it's complicated. It's like straight and flat.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Yes, it's a perfect opportunity for our racers to showcase their swagger.
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Oh, with fireworks.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Yes. [laugh] And driving. Indeed, Irene. Indeed.
Penn: And then now it's time for our checks as the racers approach. So this will be Cool and Speed, so it will be your Athletics is the ranked skill, and whatever your Speed is is your base stat.
Kit: So I have a Speed of three and two ranks in Athletics, which should be two yellows, a green, two purples and a black die. Birdie knows that part of the reason why the Hellcat is so hard to maneuver is because this was Zan's favorite kind of obstacle, and it means that it is heavier and easier to do body focus tricks on like they did a handstand on their bike seat at some point, and it was able to take it because the hull was a bit thicker. So she hopes that it has continued being strong for her, as she will tuck her legs back and let go of the handlebars so that she's laying on her stomach with her feet kicking up like she's at a sleepover on a bed, and will wave at the audience as she passes by. And one success.
Penn: You got one success, so that's one point in Swagger.
Sydney: So Cassidy's bike has a Speed of two, Cassidy has an Athletics of three, which means I'm rolling two yellows and a green plus my blue from last time against two purples.
[dice rolling]
Sydney: That's three successes, an advantage, and a Triumph.
Nick: Okay. I would say a Triumph should be some sort of game changer, so you could either give yourself two points in any category you want, which could be a real advantage because there's a chance that you may not actually get one of those points at all, so you could force assign some there, or you can drastically hinder one of the opposing teams. And so you just got three points in Swagger. So you have three in Technical and three in Swagger right now.
Sydney: So I'm gonna take that as two points in Tricks.
Nick: Okay.
Penn: Mmm. [mmms in game designer]
Sydney: And as Cassidy approaches this obstacle, with all the fireworks going off around her, she comes up to it at a pretty high speed, having been leading from the previous obstacle, gets onto the pad and then slams on her front brakes, raising her back tire up, and doing a stoppie, getting to the end and then coming to a almost a complete stop, drops the bike down backwards in a 180 as well. So it's both the Swagger of my speed doesn't even matter - I can come to a complete stop on this and the trick of doing the stoppie and doing the rotation before regassing it, spinning the tires a little bit and moving off the pad towards the next obstacle.
Kit: Cassidy just hears Birdie yell,
Kit (as Birdie): [yelling] What the fuck?!
Sydney: Cassidy gives Birdie the metal horns as she disappears in the cloud of tire smoke.
Nick: And now let's see how the other teams are doing on that challenge...
Cameron: What am I rolling?
Nick: So it'll be another green and a yellow against two purples, but the Green team does have a black die. Green can go first.
[dice rolling]
Cameron: Two successes and three threats.
Nick: Well, at least they got some fucking points. With three threats after the previous threat, that's four threats, that's eight damage and I don't think they have as much Stability as your bike does. The Green team is knocked out of the race. They try to do a trick in tandem, supporting each other, and instead, one of the bikes gets tangled in the other one while one of the riders was trying to stand on the gas tank, and they are thrown free of the motorcycle to land in the stands, breaking one of the benches. The bike tumbles and explodes in a fireball, and the other rider is knocked off to the side of the course and looks to be in need of medical attention. How'd Yellow do?
Cameron: Yellow got a threat.
Nick: Okay, so Green had passed Yellow to do these tricks, and Yellow got tied up behind them and had to slow way down to not also get tangled in the wreck. But one of the bikes got hit with some shrapnel and is starting to smoke a little bit. So the Patina is thoroughly dominating going into the last turn of this race.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] The Shard maintains a strong lead with Hellcat, who, by the way, has come out of seven years of retirement to qualify for this match, and they both pull ahead of both Green and piss Yellow. And Green with a massive fireball - you love to see it, folks, don't ya? Looks like they're safe, caught in the embrace of the stands.
Nick: You see one of the fans in the stand has run over and pulled the helmet free of the rider and runs off with it as a souvenir.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Irene, what advice would you give to Green team now that they've been permanently eliminated from this qualifier?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Well, in five days you can find my cookbook, Just Add Cronuts, in all local bookstores and since they obviously won't be racing anymore, maybe they could pick up a new hobby.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] I love your entrepreneurial spirit, Irene.
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Thank you.
Penn (as Gargantuan): They may need to pick up that hobby, because this team of Shard and Hellcat seems unstoppable rounding into our final obstacle of the afternoon.
Penn: And as we get into this last obstacle, Nick since piss Yellow is still in third you get to pick - is the Driver skill chosen here going to be Cool or Drive?
Nick: Let's do Drive this time.
Penn: And Birdie in second place you still get to pick from Speed or Maneuver for the Bike stat.
Kit: I'm gonna do Speed because we haven't done a Place yet, and I want to have three different ones.
Penn: Sweet. With Drive and Speed that makes this a Place Challenge. So now we'll mix it up one more time. So a Place Challenge is a speedway or a chance to pass others. So I'm going to pick the type of track challenge. Let's say this is a - so you know like the plastic they use for playground slides, it's just like that, but a straight away. It's exactly like a half pipe, but made of playground plastic. Nick, why is this half pipe of playground plastic extreme?
Nick: The playground plastic is in sections with pressure sensors under them, so after you cross the beginning of that obstacle, the rear end of the obstacle starts to fall away, so you have to be close enough to the leader that the track is still there or it falls away, and drive fast enough to outrun the collapsing obstacle.
Penn: Awesome. What's the name of this one, Cameron?
Cameron: I think it's just called the Playground.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Our drivers round to the last obstacle, the dreaded Playground. You don't want to be caught here after dark. Irene, what tips do you have for this threatening half pipe of playground plastic that falls away as the leaders pass over it?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Um. Take turns on the slides and share?
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Honestly, that's really good advice. [surprised laugh] Make sure you're sharing positions people.
Penn: And let's see both Birdie and Cassidy make some Place checks.
Kit: So her Speed is a three, and there's two ranks in Drive again as before, so it's still two yellows, one green, two purples. Five successes and two threats.
Nick: Wow. Okay, two threats does put your bike up to three Instability, which is almost a third of the total health, so keep that in mind as to the impact on your bike.
Sydney: So Cassidy has a rank three in Driving and the two Speed of her bike means she's rolling two yellows and a green plus a blue for the advantage from last roll, against two purples.
[dice rolling]
Sydney: Two successes and an advantage.
Nick: All right, let's go ahead and see how Yellow does. Yellow would be a green and a yellow versus two purple please Cameron - and a black, because they had a threat last time.
[dice rolling]
Cameron: It's another threat.
Nick: Okay well, they don't blow up, but they do kind of suck. So the two Yellow bikes are so far behind Birdie and Cassidy that Birdie and Cassidy have already hit the Playground and are rocketing along it as the plastic shoot starts to fall down and we see both of the Yellow riders skid to a stop at the newly formed gap between the road and this obstacle as they have missed their chance to even get on it, and they are no longer in contention as they are unable to finish the race.
Sydney: Cassidy hit this obstacle first. Her bike doesn't have the top speed of Birdie's or potentially some of the other racers, so knowing that and knowing that she did have a little bit of a lead on Birdie, she takes the opportunity to go do a couple of passes up the top of the half pipe and back down - not doing anything super flashy that would have a risk of losing control, but it's almost a tactical time kill to just make sure that Birdie can catch up before the rate of the floor falling away doesn't leave any space for Birdie to finish the race.
Kit: Birdie is a little confused by Cassidy making space for her to maneuver safely on the obstacle, but she's really grateful for it, because it absolutely opens up this wide space for her to have basically an easy win, and she will look ahead at the finish line, look at Cassidy, and if she can catch Cassidy's eye, she's gonna give a little wave and stick her tongue out playfully, and then push her thumb into a neon blue button on the handle and Cassidy can see as the engine of the bike goes into overdrive. She picks up a lead on Cassidy in an extreme fashion, very quickly. It shoots her ahead a solid second to two seconds in front of her on the finish line.
Sydney: As soon as Birdie passes her, which was unexpected, she drops back down towards the bottom of the half pipe and just tries her best to keep up with Birdie, confirming that Birdie is safe, perhaps at the cost of some race performance.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] And the Hellcat, after seven years off duty, finishes first in this qualifier match. Irene, what do you have to say about this returning champion?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Seven years is a long time. Congratulations! That's so exciting for you.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] It's exciting indeed, Irene. The Shard and The Hellcat finish the race. Piss Yellow not able to finish - disqualified. It is just a battle between these two behemoths.
Penn: So now it's the scoring. So I would roll 1d4 and Cameron would roll 1d4, and then we would act as if our judges preferred that skill. I rolled a three, so that means Swagger will get doubled.
Cameron: I rolled a one.
Penn: A one, so Place will be doubled. Okay, this will be kind of close.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] We'll be right back to the booth once we tabulate the scores to dress down these amazing performers, right Irene?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over radio] Yass.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over radio] Yass~.
Sydney: Cassidy pulls up her bike next to Birdie and takes her helmet off, letting her loose hair cascade down her back.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Good race.
Kit (as Birdie): I told you I'd be fine.
Sydney (as Cassidy): I wasn't telling you you weren't.
Kit (as Birdie): I know. I'm just teasing you.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, I'm glad neither of us died so far.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, not even a little bit. You did really good.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Lots of practice, and I'll get back to it probably tomorrow, but
Kit (as Birdie): I'm proud of you~.
Kit: And she's gonna nudge Cassidy with her elbow a few times, carefully avoiding the spikes.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Watch out. You have sharp things.
Kit (as Birdie): I know. I know, I know.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, what do you think? Is it me or you for this one?
Kit (as Birdie): Think it's gonna be pretty close, because I didn't do the best on the first two, but you really did amazing on the first two.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, since you left me, if there had been any dust on the plastic, I guess you would have left me on it. But
Kit (as Birdie): [laugh] I gotta give you a little bit of competition. I can't let you have the whole thing.
Sydney (as Cassidy): No, yeah, it's a good thing we're on the same team.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah! And besides, it wasn't close that we like the other teams, it wasn't close. So it - I still needed to give you a little challenge.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Did you see that explosion?
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah! I think they've got medics over over there. Yeah. Uh. [uncomfortable laugh]
Sydney (as Cassidy): X bikes.
Kit (as Birdie): Yep.
Sydney (as Cassidy): We'll have to get back to the pit after this and see how Emma and Marathon handled watching us do death races.
Kit (as Birdie): I think Emma will be fine. I think Marathon's gonna be chewing her hair over you, though.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Oh, not you? She's she's just ready to watch you die?
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, I think she'd be fine. [laugh]
Sydney (as Cassidy): Hmm.
Nick: The announcers have finished tabulating their scores and joined you at the infield of the racetrack. There is a low stage with microphones set up. The commentary up to this point has been broadcast to radios - people can pick up borrowed radios from the concession stands to listen. But for this part, the announcing of the scores, it's over a booming PA system as they prepare to crown the winner.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Hellcat you uh, Gargantuan here. Nice to meet you.
Kit (as Birdie): [over PA system] Ah yeah. Nice to meet you.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] It's been a long time since we've seen you. Yeah, oh, you - your voice is lot higher - Okay um~ so we - uh Irene, what did you appreciate about the Hellcat?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over PA system] Okay, so first off, it's so impressive after coming back from like, for being gone for so long and winning, or going fast, I don't know, finishing-finishing and not exploding. Um and I really, I really liked how fast you went. That was very exciting.
Kit (as Birdie): [over PA system] Thanks.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] It was indeed very exciting. I thought your technical ability, look, I'm sure you're just a little rusty, right? Yeah? Uyh but I like how you signal to the crowd a couple times. That was a neat little slumber party trick. I like this new vibe you've got going on. Irene what were your thoughts on Shard?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over PA system] So, like, you're so cool and collected, and like you did a lot on the shiny metal bit with the fireworks and that was very cool.
Sydney: Cassidy nods and then takes a pair of black mirrored aviators out of a pocket and puts them on.
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over PA system] Oh, nice, nice.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Wow! Damn, you're cool. Yeah, Shard you were - you seem like an outsider. Where did you learn to do this shit?
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over PA system] Oh here and there.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Well, you're here and there is very, very impressive. I was amazed by how you carried yourself on the Grandstander. Those - and the way you pulled out stoppie! Have you been - how long have you been riding? Where have you been? Whose team were you with?
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over PA system] I've kept it pretty low key, but it's been years.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] I believe it. Lots of hard work going into this rider right here. Well, it came down pretty close. Irene, would you like to announce the scores?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over PA system] I would love to. So in third place, nobody. In second place, scoring very well, I think, with 14 points, is - Hellcat. Congratulations! And then obviously in first place, is Shard with 15 points. Con-grat-u-lations! [very important that you know this was very syncopated]
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Really, congrats. Uh and I can't wait to see what you guys do beyond this qualifier.
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over PA system] Well, we hope to climb pretty far.
Kit: Birdie is too busy squealing and hugging Cassidy and being like
Kit (as Birdie): [Birdie squeaks] I'm so proud of you!
Kit: And holding up Cassidy's hand in a 'everyone cheer for her right now' way.
Sydney: Cassidy can't help but let a genuine smile break through what she's discovering is her cool, low key persona, as the several fans in audience cheer.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Oh uh congrats - Congrats to you both. You're now officially ranked in the X Bike Minor League. What can I put your duo name as if you are duo?
Kit (as Birdie): [over PA system] Um I think, I guess, I think we're just The Patina.
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over PA system] Yeah we're the Patina officially sponsored by Opal Corp.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Oh, wow. Big backers. No wonder they found you. Well, I appreciate you coming. Good luck for the Minor League.
Penn: And the Gargantuan reaches out a hand to shake, and it's now you realize that for such a big name, it's a man with such a small stature.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] And I believe Irene, you had something to give our winners?
Cameron (as Irene Holmes): [over PA system] Yes, in addition to just the glory of winning, I would love to present you both with a signed copy of my new cookbook, Just Add Cronuts.
Cameron: And Irene walks over and does a handshake and hands over the cookbook to each of them as if she's handing a diploma.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Make sure you get pictures, Tommy.
Kit (as Birdie): [over PA system] Oh thank you.
Penn (as Gargantuan): [over PA system] Ladies, gentlemen, crowd folks - The Patina!
Kit: Birdie as one arm around Cassidy and the other hand holding the book, obviously, because they've both got cookbooks now, but she's holding up the hand that she's carrying the book in in like a celebratory manner, cheering with the crowd for Cassidy.
Sydney: Cassidy gives another metal horns to the camera with her sunglasses still on.
Nick: The cameraman makes a metal horns back. And as Cassidy is basking in her moment of victory with Birdie at her side, we see that someone has been watching the dawning of her career with great interest.
Sydney: A couple of rows from the top of the bleachers, far away from anyone else, we see Karma. This time without the masquerade regalia of the party. Without her mask to shield her face, we can see that Karma has darker skin, a square jaw. Her hair is dark towards the roots, and then as you go further down the strands, it goes through an ombre to a dark red which is done up in a half up bun with a couple of strands hanging down around her face. Their uniform is standard Ramp Girl with the markers of their station, and she is now not having to hide that she is writing in a small notebook observations about the splashy entrance of one new player and one old player to the Sasnak X Bike league.
[hurdy gurdy music swells]
Outro:
Penn (as Marathon): Welcome back folks, you’re tuned to Going the Distance: Traveler’s Guide on road dial 1558. That’s a wrap on today’s log and we’re set to loop after these considerations. Further detail for the following is cataloged in the show notes.
This has been A Knight of Shreds and Patches, an actual play podcast using the Genesys game system from Fantasy Flight Games. The show is edited by Sydney Whittington, and features the talents of:
Kit Adames as Birdie. Kit can be found on Twitter and Instagram @ venusvultures. Kit is also a voice actor for Elevator Pitch Podcast, a queer genre-hopping anthology podcast that can be accessed on Spotify and YouTube.
Penn Van Batavia as Marathon. She can be found on Twitter @ acquiredchaste and in drag as horror king JOHN on Instagram @ john.is.risen. Penn is an indie TTRPG designer whose most recent work includes SLICE IT OUT, a grisly carving RPG about cutting pieces of yourself out to fit in. Check out faer other work at pennharper.itch.io.
Sydney Whittington as Cassidy. Sydney can be found on our Discord server, which is linked in the show notes, and on Twitter @ sydney_whitt. She’s also a contributing editor and occasional guest player for the Orpheus Protocol, a cosmic horror espionage actual play podcast.
Cameron Robertson as Emma. Cameron can be found on Twitter @ midnightmusic13 and on Instagram @ reading_and_dreaming. Cameron is also a player on Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars Edge of the Empire actual play podcast.
And Nick Robertson as narrator. Nick can be found on Twitter @ alias58. Nick is also the GM for Tabletop Squadron. Nick can also be found as a player on the Orpheus Protocol.
This podcast features the musical talents of Dora Violet and Arne Parrott. You can find Dora at facebook.com/doraviolett. You can find Arne at atptunes.com.
The official artwork for this podcast was created by Rashed AlAkroka, who can be found on Instagram and Artstation @ rashedjrs.
You can follow the Patina on Twitter @ akosap_podcast or visit the website: www.akosap.com. To further support the show, consider joining the Patreon at www.patreon.com/AKoSaP, where we’ll be bringing you weekly content including bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.
Until you tune back…
…stay bold and stay kind