Welcome to the X Bike Championship Finals!
Welcome to the X Bike Championship Finals!
Cast:
- Marathon Messenger is played by Penn Van Batavia. She can be found on Twitter at @acquiredchaste and in drag as horror king JOHN on Instagram at @john.is.risen. Penn is an indie TTRPG designer whose most recent work includes SLICE *IT* OUT, a grisly carving RPG about cutting pieces of yourself out to fit in. Check out faer other work at pennharper.itch.io.
- Cassidy Shard is played by Sydney Whittington. She is our wonderful editor. She’s also a contributing editor and occasional guest player for the Orpheus Protocol, a cosmic horror espionage actual play podcast. Find her on Twitter at @sydney_whitt.
- Emma Blackwood is played by Cameron Robertson. Find her on Twitter at @midnightmusic13 and on Instagram at @reading_and_dreaming. Cameron is also a player on Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars Edge of the Empire actual play podcast.
- Birdie Foundling is played by Kit Adames. Find her on Twitter at @venusvultures. Kit is also a voice actor and writer on Elevator Pitch Podcast, a queer genre-hopping anthology podcast that can be accessed on Spotify and YouTube.
- Our GM and narrator is Nick Robertson. Find him on Twitter at @alias58. Nick is also the GM for Tabletop Squadron and can also be found as a player on the Orpheus Protocol.
Music & Sound Credits:
- This podcast features the musical talents of Dora Violet and Arne Parrott. You can find Dora at facebook.com/doraviolett. You can find Arne at atptunes.com.
- old radio Channel search sound effect by Garuda1982. Link & License.
- Blasts » ExplosionBombBlastAmbient6.wav by zimbot. Link & License.
- gavel-double.flac by zerolagtime. Link & License.
- Easy - Easy by Crowander. Link & License.
Art Credits:
- The official artwork for this podcast was created by Rashed AlAkroka, who can be found on Instagram and Artstation @rashedjrs.
Find Us Online:
- Our Website
- Twitter
- Join our Patreon
- Join our Discord
A Knight of Shreds and Patches Transcript
Season 3 Episode 41: Always at Slight Risk of Exploding
Transcript by Cameron Robertson
Intro:
[hurdy gurdy music begins]
Nick: Welcome, listeners, to A Knight of Shreds and Patches. An immersive actual play podcast. This episode features the talents of –
Penn: Penn Van Batavia as Marathon Messenger and Gwendolyn Rozenthall.
Kit: Kit Adames as Birdie Foundling and Vaus Foundling.
Cameron: Cameron Robertson as Emma Blackwood and Janus Foundling.
Sydney: Sydney Whittington as Cassidy Shard and Winifred Foundling.
Nick: Nick Robertson as GM and Narrator.
Sydney: Hello listeners, this is your editor, Sydney, with today’s messages:
Good news! While I might be editing on a tablet on my kitchen table, I have home internet and technology access again! Just in time to wish a happy back to school to all the young listeners out there. Ya know what's great to listen to once you're done with your homework? The AKOSAP Patreon bonus content! Backing our Patreon gives you access to bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.
And with that, we wrap up today’s announcements and head into Season 3, Episode 41: Always at Slight Risk of Exploding. And so…
“Join us, for now our tale to yours attaches
To carry hope: a Knight of Shreds and Patches.”
[hurdy gurdy music ends]
[electronic beeping]
[robotic powerup noise begins]
Distorted Robotic Voice: Power restored. Systems online. Reconfiguring audio connection.
[robotic powerup noise fades to radio frequency static]
[over radio]
Sydney (as Cassidy): Last time on a Knight of Shreds and Patches, we were rewarded for our great X Bike season efforts by Opal, who got us into the Finals, as expected, and even threw in a bonus of some super fuel. Shame we didn't have access to that earlier to practice more, but we'll figure it out or die trying, you know how it goes. Birdie and I were immortalized in commercial, because being mercenaries means we take money and do distasteful things. And then Wander, of all people, showed up at our front door. Turns out he finds us "interesting", and we traded enough info about ourselves to be dangerous for facts like "he's been around since the moon exploded" and "he's a synth and full of white goop that makes him survive bullets with little ill effect". Oh also Susan apparently has "projects" and she's probably laughing while we stomp around ruining people's plans for things. For now, though, let's ruin one more plan and win that trophy.
[radio static]
Episode Start:
Nick: The X Bike arena is completely full. The standing room around the edge of the track has fans standing shoulder to shoulder, the bleachers are filled with roiling crowds, all chanting and screaming, and the track has been prepared for the championship race. The sound is a physical presence that you can feel pushing against you anywhere in the arena, and the excitement flows in every direction as the different X Bike teams prepare for this final challenge of the season. The Patina is in their garage, along with Surge and Audrey. This is the team's last chance to strategize and check in with each other before what you know will be one of the most hectic events of your lives.
Sydney: Cassidy is in her game day uniform, her helmets across the room, but she's got on her brown plaid protective jacket and her biking pants and boots, and she is pacing back and forth with a lot of energy because they've done the prep that they can, it's just waiting until it's time to get up on the track.
Kit: Birdie has taken a seat from her previous pacing and seems not super nervous about what's to come. The only indication of any anxiety in her system is her left leg bouncing at a very rapid pace while she leans against the back of her chair and stares up at the ceiling and is seemingly timing her breaths in and out on counts of four to keep her nerves in check.
Penn: Marathon is unzipping a large case, a chainsaw shaped case, as she pulls out her Patina version of Charlie the Chainsaw, her official mascot tool for the team, and she's decked out in her mascot uniform - the leather crop, the work gloves, the flannel and her battle paint on for the special occasion - line going across the bridge of her face and is just making some final oiling on the chain and peeking up at Cassidy and Birdie, trying to give them some space while they get their nerves out.
Cameron: Emma is wearing much nicer clothes than she would typically wear on a race day. Since they do have the invite up to watch the game with Opal, she wanted to maintain her ability to like get down and work with the bikes while presenting an elegant facade to probably a room of fairly important people in the city. So she is wearing a monotone, all dark emerald green outfit. Her pants are not skin tight, they're slightly flowy, but not enough to where she would get caught in the machinery she's working in and go down to the floor where she is still wearing her normal boots, and then is wearing a matching loosely fitted high neck t-shirt, and it looks like she has semi styled her hair a little bit, rather than just tossing it up in a quick ponytail, but does have a grease rag in her hands and is wiping off oil from the last check of the bikes.
Penn (as Marathon): How y'all feeling over there?
Sydney: Cassidy pivots on her toe and starts walking back the other direction.
Kit (as Birdie): Um, doing good. Thanks, Marathon.
Kit: And Birdie will tilt her head over to give Marathon a winning smile and two thumbs up.
Penn (as Marathon): [quietly] Oh, they're all nerves.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah, I'm ready to do it.
Cameron (as Emma): You know I - yeah, I can I can never tell with Cassidy if she's just pacing because she's Cassidy or if she's pacing because she's got nervous energy happening.
Sydney (as Cassidy): I mean, I'll feel better when we're -
Penn (as Marathon): I don't know, why would she be nervous?
Kit (as Birdie): No clue.
Cameron (as Emma): Um, hot date tonight? I don't, I don't know. I assume, I assume you have plans. I don't know.
Penn (as Marathon): I hear amazing things about Diamond Dive during this race, and I'm just very excited to see if that's one of the obstacles.
Kit (as Birdie): Uh huh.
Penn (as Marathon): Y'all are gonna crush it out there. Like, like, okay, hey, I know the energy's a little bit off here, and I know it's cause we're excited and nervous and like, so much could go wrong, but so much -
Kit (as Birdie): [nervous laugh]
Penn (as Marathon): - is gonna, actually, is actually gonna go right today.
Kit (as Birdie): Yep. [long exhale]
Penn (as Marathon): And I think what we need, something that always helped me whenever I'm feeling nervous for big game, we gotta do team huddle.
Cameron (as Emma): Oh okay. I thought you were gonna suggest arena juice, and I was gonna veto that.
Kit (as Birdie): [small laugh]
Penn (as Marathon): [laugh] Mmm I wouldn't suggest that to these two, -
Cameron (as Emma): [laugh]
Penn (as Marathon): - but come on in. Come on in.
Penn: And Marathon sets down the chainsaw back in the case, leaving it unzipped, and tries to gesture with her hands to get people in a circle.
Kit: Birdie glances at Cassidy to see if Cassidy is moving. Audrey goes,
Kit (as Audrey): Oh, yay, circle!
Nick: Surge says,
Nick (as Surge): You all have fun.
Nick: And goes back to tightening the same bolt down and loosening it and tightening it on one of the bikes.
Penn (as Marathon): You're here in spirit and [overlapping] you can't prevent that. Yeah.
Kit (as Audrey): [overlapping] [very forceful] Surge get over here.
Penn (as Marathon): Yeah!
Cameron: Emma throws the rag she was wiping her hands on at Surge, and walks towards the circle.
Nick (as Surge): Audrey, what part of ‘not a team player’ do I have to explain to this group again?
Kit (as Audrey): And what part of you married me in life or death or sickness and health - whatever, get in a circle.
Cameron (as Emma): That that was, that was incredibly eloquently put, Audrey.
Kit (as Birdie): Thank you. Circle, please.
Nick (as Surge): Okay.
Kit: And she will give Surge a very big smile.
Nick (as Surge): Okay, I like it when you're spicy.
Penn (as Marathon): Cass? Birdie?
Penn: Marathon's got her eyebrows up near the top of her head.
Sydney: Cass continues the same pace that she had been taking, but on her next pivot, aims herself towards the circle. Her hands are in her pockets.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, all right.
Kit: And Birdie will push herself up and go,
Kit (as Birdie): All right, yep. Circle time. [stressed sigh]
Penn (as Marathon): [centering exhale] Was there anything anybody wants to share? I'm happy to go first, but, like, I don't want to steal the floor, but y'all, yeah, y'all, the floor is up. We are in the huddle.
Cameron (as Emma): You know, why don't you go first. Show us how it's done.
Penn (as Marathon): Okay, yeah.
Cameron (as Emma): With all your sports experience.
Penn (as Marathon): [cocky chuckle] Well, I was team captain, you know.
Cameron (as Emma): I know that's why I thought that'd be an excellent, you know, presentation of your skills.
Penn (as Marathon): Okay Y'all. Y'all know we're going up against somebody really tough tonight in Carbon, right?
Penn: And Marathon looks around to see eye rolls.
Penn (as Marathon): Carbon has probably the best backing in the city, some of the best parts that are available in any sort of X Bike arrangement. He is one of the most experienced racers on the track -
Kit (as Birdie): Mhm.
Penn (as Marathon): -and has a very talented team behind him.
Kit (as Birdie): Yep.
Cameron (as Emma): Is this -
Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah, no reason to be nervous.
Cameron (as Emma): Is this helping Marathon?
Penn (as Marathon): But, but - okay, but -
Penn: Marathon holds up a finger.
Penn (as Marathon): All of that aside, Carbon may have all that, but we've got one thing Carbon doesn't.
Sydney (as Cassidy): This motorcycle.
Cameron (as Emma): Well, that's that's two things he doesn't have.
Penn: Marathon points at Cassidy.
Penn (as Marathon): Yes. And we've actually got two things Carbon doesn't have. We have The Shard, we have THE Hellcat. We have the best streak of races in the entire season of X Biking. Y'all are on a wave of momentum that has been unstoppable. The crowd is all behind you. They might be cheering for Carbon some, but they want to see you win. And when the crowd's behind you, they want you to win, what you gonna do?
Nick (as Surge): [overlapping] Win?
Kit (as Birdie): [overlapping] Win.
Penn (as Marathon): WIN! That's right, Surge. When the crowd's behind you, when they want you to win, when you want to win, what you gonna do?
Nick (as Surge): Are we supposed to say it in unison? Win.
Cameron (as Emma): Win.
Penn (as Marathon): [she got da hype] Yes, yeah, yes. Oh, and when Emma is cheering for you, when I'm juggling the chainsaw, when Audrey and Surge are peering at those bikes, watching all that structural integrity be put to good use, and they're all hoping for you to win. What are you gonna do?
Nick (as Surge): [sucked in by the hype] Win~!
Kit (as Birdie): [hype = 0] Win.
Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, that's right! Okay okay - hands in the middle. Who else has got something to share? Anybody else?
Nick (as Surge): The tracks a little loose today, so make sure you don't let the back slide out from under you, and don't ride the brake because they're gonna have a lot of accelerations. So
Penn (as Marathon): Watch your back. Don't ride the brake.
Sydney (as Cassidy): You got that fancy fuel, so
Cameron (as Emma): Yeah, and it's, it's got, it's got giddy up, as we saw. So
Sydney (as Cassidy): Yeah.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah.
Cameron (as Emma): Be - just remember that, especially on that starting point. Yeah.
Nick (as Surge): On that note, don't give it too much gas, or you might explode. I probably should have mentioned that earlier.
Kit (as Birdie): Good to know. Thank you so much, Surge.
Cameron (as Emma): Surge, Surge - I told you, it's gonna be fine. It's not going to explode. [foreshadowing?]
Kit (as Audrey): [angry whisper] Yeah, it's gonna be fine, Surge, don't worry about it.
Penn (as Marathon): This'll all be fine.
Nick (as Surge): Okay.
Sydney (as Cassidy): We're always at slight risk of exploding.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, that's part of the gig. Um, okay.
Penn (as Marathon): Okay.
Kit (as Birdie): Only thing I have is, let's get Hellcat a fucking title. Sure.
Penn (as Marathon): [overlapping] Yeah!
Cameron (as Emma): [overlapping] Yeah!
Penn (as Marathon): Yeah!
Kit: And she'll put her hand in the middle.
Penn (as Marathon): That's the energy!
Penn: And Marathon puts her hand right back in the middle now that Birdie is starting the hands in.
Nick: Surge crosses their arms.
Kit: Audrey will wrestle minorly with Surge to hold their hand and then put both of their hands into the circle. [laugh]
Nick: Surge rolls their eyes, but realizes they're losing this particular contest.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Well, let's try not to die, um but we can probably win too huh?
Sydney: And Cassidy puts her hand in.
Penn (as Marathon): [laugh] That's the spirit.
Cameron (as Emma): Yeah but -
Kit (as Birdie): No dying and winning.
Cameron: Emma slowly puts her hand into the center of the circle.
Cameron (as Emma): Y'all the biggest thing to remember is that Carbon is just a man. [man derogatory]
Sydney (as Cassidy): [chuckle]
Kit (as Birdie): Ew. We're not gonna let a man beat us, are we?
Cameron (as Emma): No!
Kit (as Birdie): 'No men winning' -
Penn (as Marathon): [in background] Silly man. [pause] Stupid man.
Kit (as Birdie): - on three! [burst into giggles]
Cameron (as Emma): [giggles]
Kit (as Birdie): Oh, Vaus said that we were gonna do great, and that they're cheering for us.
Nick (as Surge): Oh, hey.
Kit (as Birdie): They didn't say that, but with their hands.
Penn (as Marathon): Okay, well, I can only think of one cheer worthy of this honorable, star filled, unstoppable team. Okay? How about Patina on 3?
Kit (as Birdie): [giggle]
Cameron (as Emma): Let's do it.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Okay.
Penn (as Marathon): 1-2-3!
[full group]: Patina!
Penn (as Marathon): Get out there and get them! Cassidy, here's your helmet.
Penn: And Marathon's gonna kind of underhand toss the helmet.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Ahhh, don't throw that. [laugh]
Sydney: Cassidy catches it and wraps it up like it's a baby.
Cameron (as Emma): Yeah, it's - [panics in safety concerns]
Penn (as Marathon): And Marathon just carries momentum right into grabbing the chainsaw.
Nick: And the crew busies themselves, rolling the motorcycles to the start of the race and making a couple of last minute adjustments. And the next we see is all of the racers at the starting line, as the radios and PA systems of the arena crackle to life and we hear from the announcers for this race.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] We're approaching start time. The racers are lined up, the engines are roaring, and we're here in the booth, Cletus Axelhammer and my ever present partner,
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] The Nuts! [triple air horn blasts] So good to see everybody.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] We got a real good show to put on for you today. We got a couple of new rising stars. We got some old favorites that you'll love to see take another Championship or maybe finally be dethroned. Let's give a quick overview of the field so we know who's out there.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Sounds like a great idea, Cletus. I haven't heard this many purring engines since somebody donated extra catnip to the animal shelter. [cartoonish laugh] [Meow sound effect] [bwam]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Our first seed of the day is, of course, Carbon Steel - racer for Wander and his second Johnny Bikes.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Now it is worth pointing out to the audience that after some pretty gnarly crashes earlier this season, this is the third or fourth Johnny Bikes to be with Team Carbon Steel, but I think this one's gonna do fine.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] If nothing else, it'll be entertaining for all of you.
Penn: There's a lot of children holding up Johnny Bike's sign in the crowd, a very obvious favorite among young fans.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Well, I gotta tell you today, Cletus, all my money is on Carbon Steel. He's been on a huge win streak, and even with changing sponsors lately, this season has just been golden for him.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Besides that one second place that he took. He's been flawless.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] And don't forget, I am required to read this copy - to pick up your Johnny Bikes action figure with real exploding limb losing action.
Penn: Cheers through the crowd of a child pitch fervor.
Nick: There are examples on banners that are hung from the sides of the stadium of the Carbon Steel and Johnny Bikes action figures. Carbon is resplendent in his racing gear. It looks almost like carbon fiber plate mail with high flexibility and durability. There are sharp fins sticking off of his forearms and the outsides of his legs and his helmet is a sleek bird-like curve that blends into his shoulders and back, built for speed and protection. And Johnny Bikes is wearing classical biker leathers. The action figure has a button that says, 'Try me'. And anybody who has gotten to play with the action figure when it's not being featured on a banner knows that you press that and the arms and legs fly off on little strings and then come back together. And Johnny Bike's helmet looks like a jousting knights helmet, one of the big trash can looking ones, and fully covers his face.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Next up, our number two seed, team [REDACTED]. We'd love to tell you how well they did this season,
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] but it's [REDACTED]! [cartoonish laugh] [sad trombone noise]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Drivers today are Cease and Desist with their mascot, my personal favorite, the Mysterious Fish.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] It is worth noting that the drivers for [REDACTED] are Cease comma and Desist, not that they're going after us for copyright infringement - well, they are, but their names are Cease and Desist. [two gavel hits]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Our three seed, the Cymbals with their drivers, Gong and Gong.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] I'm a big fan of Gong Gong personally. I think there's something about that loud crashing technique that just speaks to my inner animal.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Well, you gotta love it when that crash takes out some other racers too.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Mhm. Look out for their signature move, Crash Cymbal. [cymbal crash]
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over speakers] And as a reminder to those who don't listen regularly, the final has six teams total. This is going to be a massive chaos race, really showing off the capabilities of the drivers and the teams behind them.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] And more importantly, with that amount of chaos, we'll see more action, more technique, and, of course, more crashes. [explosion noise]
Sydney (as Cassidy): [over speakers] Next up is the four seed, the Golden Jersey Devils. You can see them down there in all their splendor.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Some people say the Jersey Devils don't exist, but the evidence is right there in front of you folks. Anybody who says that is just purely in denial.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Today, we've got Trouble and The Situation lined up at the starting line.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] You know, fun fact, Trouble is actually his middle name.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] I hope he doesn't get up to any of that on the course, unless it's entertaining. And now we're down to some fresh faces in the fifth seed, really making their mark on the lower circuit and climbing the whole rankings - it's the Patina.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] You know, Axel. I haven't heard a lot about them. I'm a little concerned about their meteoric rise. Seems a little questionable to me, especially with them having Opal as their main sponsor. She's been known in the past to pull strings in the background. I'm not trying to speak out of turn or raise any sort of conspiracy theories, but do they really deserve to be here? [crowd ooooooh noise]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] I'd question it a lot more if we didn't see their skills out on the track three times a week.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] There's no doubt that they're hard workers. There's just a certain amount of experience that you would expect from racers of this caliber. I mean, um, [lost the personality there for a sec] yeah, it sure is wild out there. [Woo hoo. bunga bunga bunga]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Well, if they don't deserve to be here, they're gonna get wiped off that track real quick.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] I'm looking forward to it, Cletus.
Sydney: We see down on the starting line, Cassidy and Birdie doing their final checks and giving their engines a nice warm up rev.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And our last seed, another one from the lower circuits. This is the ScavengHERS, squeaking in by the skin of their teeth, really scavenging their way into the last place. But they're in the Finals, and that's what counts. They are represented today by Contagion and Goose.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Contagion is a veteran of the lower circuits. I'm really excited to see that they're here today. She's definitely put in her time, and I'm glad to see that everything's coming up Contagion. Having lost her partner in a previous race, we're excited to see Goose on the scene for the ScavengHERS. Let's see how they do together, having been recently partnered towards the second half of the season.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And with that, let's remind the audience what this is all for The Nuts.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Right. If you turn to the jumbotron, you'll see the Cube Championship Trophy being broadcast from a secure location somewhere below the arena.
Nick: And the screen shows a darkened room with a very bright spotlight on the Championship Trophy as it sits on a podium. It is a tiered silver structure that ends with a small silver spike, and sitting on it about the size of a grapefruit is a blue, semi translucent cube with swirling patterns that make the inside appear to be in constant motion. The audience gives a loud Ooh.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] This trophy has been awarded since the founding of X Biking, and dates back to beyond written record of the city.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] X Biking, a tried and true tradition of Sasnak, and we're all here for it.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] It's the city's pastime: X Bikes.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And it looks like we're getting ready to kick things off, so we'll leave you to it for a couple of minutes, and we'll come back to watch that pistol get fired.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] And now a word from our sponsors.
Nick: The jumbotron of the stadium lights up with a larger than life close up of Carbon Steel's face, and then zooms out to him holding a large squeeze bottle, and he says,
Nick (as Carbon): [over speakers] Chya. Do you want to have a complexion like I do, while also being a winner and saving time? You gotta try 'Diamond Dome Secret Formula, five in one uses plus question mark' for every aspect of your day to day life. Haw!
Nick: And as this ad continues, we see Emma walking up some stairs on the back side of the stadium. Emma, where are you headed?
Cameron: Emma is headed up to the important council people box that Opal invited the crew who weren't racing up to. And I think she is joined by Audrey and a reluctant Surge.
Nick: And Marathon, where are you right now?
Penn: Marathon is awkwardly standing in a large kennel area with the rest of the mascots who are in various states of mascot dress and she, not having met any of these top tier mascots, feels a little big timed by them, but takes a stance leaning against the wall next to a large bellied, Mysterious Fish.
Penn (as Marathon): So is it true? You're really pregnant?
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): Hey, keep it to yourself, if you want. You know, I had a walking fish once. I'm pretty understanding of these things.
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): That's what I'm saying! Yes! Okay.
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): I'm glad we're on the same page here.
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, do you like wearing sweaters?
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): I thought so too! Oh my god. Okay, yes. Cassidy said it was just torture. But,
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): Yeah, and the slime, it works with the slime. It soaks it. Yeah, it's a good it's got a good soak.
Kit (as Mysterious Fish): [fish mumbles]
Penn (as Marathon): Oh, thanks for saying that. I really do miss him.
Nick: Emma, the three of you climb these stairs back behind the arena and find yourself in a well appointed hallway with dark wood doors lining one side, and you quickly find the room number that was given to you by Opal in her invitation, and push the door open to see a sumptuous suite that has a wonderful view of the X Bike Arena, and is full of hangers on and members of Opal Corp and most people don't appear to be watching the goings on. They are busying themselves at the buffet table or trying to suck up to Opal who is holding court. But you do see at the open windows that overlook the arena, Rye is there and seems to be the only one who's really engaged with the sport and spectacle itself. And as you walk into the room, you catch the tail end of an ad read by Carbon Steel.
Nick (as Carbon): [over speakers] So don't forget, this amazing product has five official uses: shampoo, body wash, skin lotion, toothpaste, motorcycle wax, and one secret other thing.
Nick: And Carbon winks from the jumbotron to cheers from the crowd.
Cameron: Emma turns around to Audrey and Surge and says,
Cameron (as Emma): Wasn't that the ad that was going when we started heading up here?
Kit (as Audrey): Um I think so.
Cameron (as Emma): Wow.
Nick (as Surge): Yeah, it definitely was. Carbon likes to talk.
Cameron (as Emma): Okay.
Nick (as Surge): Some of those ad deals you actually get paid by the minute, so he probably stretched it out on purpose.
Cameron (as Emma): And you're like, coming up with your own lines for it?
Nick (as Surge): I don't know. I kind of zone out whenever he talks. Maybe he was talking slow.
Cameron (as Emma): Fair enough.
Kit (as Audrey): Probably adding in a lot of [wild surfer noise #1 that I'm not gonna spell] and what's the other one? 'Ka-shah'!
Nick (as Surge): 'Sh-hwa'!
Cameron (as Emma): 'Ker Chow' I believe was one of them.
Kit (as Audrey): Ker chew?
Cameron (as Emma): I think it's ker chow.
Kit (as Audrey): Okay.
Nick (as Surge): It's something. I don't know. Like I said, I tend to just zone out whenever he talks.
Cameron (as Emma): Fair. Um well, I'ma go look at the view. Remember open bar and free buffet, so
Nick (as Surge): That's how Audrey lured me up here.
Nick: And Surge starts elbowing people out of the way is they go for the hors d'oeuvres.
Cameron: Emma heads over to the railing where Rye is at and comes up on one side of him, grabs a hold of the rail that's on the top part of this bottom half of the windows that's serving as the railing to make sure that people don't fall out of the suite, and leans over fairly far to just look down and look to the left and the right to just get a lay of the land for where exactly this suite is located within the arena.
Nick: The suite is close to the middle of the arena. It's one of the better views. Opal clearly paid quite a bit of money to get this location and as you are looking around, you can see that directly across from you is the press box, and you can see the two announcers for today's events, Cletus Axelhammer and The Nuts.
Sydney: Emma you catch the silhouette, and then you realize that they're actively being shown on the Jumbotron at this moment as well, and you can look between for various levels of real life versus televised. Cletus Axelhammer has thick, dark hair, a somewhat lined face, like maybe he's early 50s, but has lived quite a hard life, maybe racing - definitely enjoying himself. He's got a big pair of aviators and a big gunslinger mustache, and then the rest of his features kind of get lost by the fact that he's wearing a gold slick jumpsuit with a V open from his collarbones down past his belly button, showing off a magnificent wealth of chest hair. The suit fits quite tightly. He's in good shape, but this is probably a fashion taste that is not well suited to you, and he's having an animated conversation with the other person in the press box.
Nick: Cletus Axelhammer is having a discussion with The Nuts, as he is known. They have been radio personalities together for longer than most of the citizenry can remember. The Nuts is somewhere between 30 and 60 - it's really hard to tell. He has the physique of someone who was maybe an athlete back in the day, but has gone beyond soft and into round territory, and has a shaved head and incredibly bushy eyebrows and a very thin goatee, and he's wearing a button down Hawaiian pattern shirt with the buttons kind of straining on it in a very riotous rainbow design.
And next the camera pans back from across the stadium to Rye who is standing next to Emma.
Nick (as Rye): Oh, Emma! I'm glad to see that you accepted the invitation to watch from the more expensive seats. I'm glad someone's paying attention to the races.
Nick: And Rye gestures behind him without looking at all of the sycophants who have filled the room and Emma you notice that Surge has a plate piled at least a foot high with seafood, and their face is very stuffed full of snacks at this point.
Cameron: Emma turns back from glancing about the room behind them, and looks over to Rye and says,
Cameron (as Emma): Well, yeah, I have to watch the race to support my friends and see if there's anything urgent that I need to go take care of.
Nick (as Rye): Yeah, of course.
Cameron (as Emma): Plus, it's gotta be a way better view for the obstacles than where I normally watch in the tunnel.
Nick (as Rye): Oh yes, it definitely is. I'm just glad to have some company.
Nick: And he bumps you, Emma, with his shoulder just a little in a companionable way. And you are reminded of when you first met Rye at the Masquerade Ball. He is definitely exuding the same kind of energy of having been forced to attend something and just trying to make the best of it.
Cameron (as Emma): So how long, how long have you been up here, just being all alone in a room full of people totally enjoying yourself living your best life?
Nick (as Rye): Yeah. Well, Aunt Opal likes to get here well in advance of everything, so that she can hold court as long as possible, so two, three hours.
Cameron (as Emma): Eugh.
Nick (as Rye): They've refreshed the buffet a couple of times.
Cameron (as Emma): That's good to know, actually, with the amount of seafood on it. I was, I was getting concerned for Surge's health.
Nick (as Rye): Oh, yeah, they stick to very strict HACCP standards. (HACCP is a management system in which food safety is addressed in the US - Nick is a nerd)
Cameron (as Emma): Excellent, excellent.
Nick (as Rye): So who are you rooting for?
Cameron (as Emma): What kind of question is that?
Nick (as Rye): Just little bit of a joke. Hoping you'll -
Cameron (as Emma): I'm a member of an X Bike team, Rye.
Nick (as Rye): Yeah, I know. I just enjoy when you talk about your friends. So how are they doing?
Cameron (as Emma): Uh totally not at all nervous. Very, very chill energy.
Nick: We cut to Cassidy and Birdie at the starting line as final preparations are being made by the race organizers. You've been there for a while waiting for things to kick off. How are you two doing?
Kit: Birdie is leaning over the handlebars of her bike, half standing, and is continuing her efforts of keeping her breathing even by doing counts of four intakes and counts of four outtakes of breath. But she's very obviously twitterpated and keeps playing with different things on her outfit and refuses to look at any other driver but Cassidy.
Sydney: Cassidy had her helmet shield up and was having some brief banter with Contagion over on the next starting line as they'd practiced a couple of times together. If she hadn't been so immersed in all the X Bike standings, she would have been surprised to see a team that they had beaten in the lower circuits now here in the Finals as well, but it is a high turnover sport. Cassidy is not quite down to the almost meditative trance that is actually racing, but the closer they've gotten to the race beginning, the calmer she seems to be.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Birdie how you doing?
Kit (as Birdie): [sounds very stressed] Doing good. How are you Cassidy?
Sydney (as Cassidy): Uh you know, I'm ready for this race to start.
Kit (as Birdie): Yep, yep, me too. I'm really, I just -standing here is doing, doing nothing for my nerves. Hi Contagion~!
Kit: And she'll wave across Cassidy at Contagion to try and prove that she is not, in fact, nervous.
Penn: And Contagion turns and with this warped, rusted, twisted metal all over her looks very aggressive and then she flips her visor on her helmet up to show a very cheery, calm face underneath, and a little tiny wave.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Won't be too much longer now.
Kit (as Birdie): How are they so calm?
Sydney (as Cassidy): Uh, no fear of death?
Kit (as Birdie): No fear of -
Sydney (as Cassidy): No stakes above pure sportsmanship.
Kit (as Birdie): Yeah, no family legacy, no prize, no thing that we totally need.
Sydney (as Cassidy): Could be weed if they're not thinking it's gonna impact their performance.
Kit (as Birdie): Oh yeah, that's fair.
Sydney: As the announcers take back over and the familiar cadence of the race kicking off begins, Cassidy throws Birdie the metal horns and lowers her visor.
Kit (as Birdie): Okay um. Good luck, Cassidy. See you at the end.
Sydney (as Cassidy): We got this.
Kit (as Birdie): Yep.
Nick: And as the riders prepare the race is about to start. A large cannon is parked next to the starting line, and as the crowd begins to cheer louder and louder, the riders see someone wearing all black, holding a incredibly large sparkler that's sparkling with gold and silver sparks. And they hold it high in the air, and then slowly lower it down towards the cannon. They touch the cannon, and with a bone rattling bang, the cannon shoots silver and gold confetti into the air, signaling the start of the race.
Penn: So as we start the race, the first thing that we're going to be doing is the riders will be picking the Challenge. So based on whoever is in first, second, and third, we will be deciding what stats we will be using. Carbon is in first and is going to pick Cool between Cool and Drive, because he is stellar in that area. Hellcat, since you're the next fastest, you can choose between the bike stats and so you've got Speed and Maneuver.
Kit: It's gotta be Speed.
Penn: Perfect. So this using Cool and Speed will be a Swagger Challenge first, one of Carbon's favorites. And Cease and Desist are off to a strong start working together from [REDACTED] and Cameron, what Integrity stat will they be rolling against Burnout or Instability?
Cameron: I'm going to say Instability.
Penn: So this Challenge is going to be custom made for Carbon Steel coming down the track. Now we're going to turn it to our announcers who are going to build the obstacle. So first, either Cletus or The Nuts need to pick what kind of Challenge this is and then they're gonna have to make it Extreme and give it a cool name.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And the racers are off! Coming in straight away to their first obstacle, a giant straight away. This is one of Carbon's favorite obstacle types. And then at the end, we've got a hairpin turn to really test how hard they're willing to put the figurative pedal to the metal.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Oh yeah, Cletus, everybody knows that if you have any sense of self preservation, you'll at least try to slow down at the end of a straight away, but Carbon certainly doesn't and is willing to do this at full speed. But it wouldn't be an X Bike obstacle without something extreme. Fitting with our theme today as the Championship of Gold and Diamonds, at the end of the straightaway is a wall covered in diamond spikes. If you make the turn too wide, you could be impaled. [oof noise]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] That's right, The Nuts, this is the Diamond Cornerstone. We really get to see how much work these bikers and their teams put in in the garage for how fast they can get up on the straightaway.
Penn: So for this Final race, the base difficulty will be a red. Because Carbon has two Instability, he will be rolling another red, an upgraded Challenge die. Carbon, because he has a five Cool and a four Speed together, he will be rolling two reds against four yellows and one green.
[dice rolling]
Penn: Carbon has three successes and one threat, meaning in Swagger, Carbon will take three points to start. As Carbon speeds directly towards these spikes, it looks like, with all the momentum he has, that he is just on a one way trip to impale town. But just as he's about to hit these spikes, it becomes a matter of inches as Carbon quickly switches, pivots 90 degrees on his front wheel and then continues moving almost without a loss of speed. There's very little drift. There must have been some augment to his bike. But this is a classic move that people have seen from Carbon in the past, and you hear people shouting,
Penn (as X Bike Crowd): Cutter! Cutter!
Penn: And we'll turn it to Hellcat and Shard. So your Athletics and then your Speed stat on your bike is what you're using as the second one.
Nick: And don't forget that you get a blue die to all your checks because Opal gave you experimental fuel that will make you go faster.
Kit: Awesome. I will be rolling two yellow, two green, two red and one purple and a blue. Four successes and two threats.
Penn: Awesome. Four successes means you'll take four points in Swagger. You beat Carbon for now. That means after this corner, you'll be able to take his place in the pack, and because you succeeded, you will be answering one of our flashback scene prompts. And I'll remind you, you can pick a moment of weakness that now manifests as strength, a moment of levity with one of the other racers, or a moment of inspiration that keeps you driving.
Kit: As Birdie takes off like a shot, the new fuel that Opal provided them adding quite a bit of extra giddy up to Birdie's bike that she has to immediately correct from and is a little embarrassed out the gate. She revs her engine and does her best to get towards the front of the pack, and as she does this, a brief moment with Vaus prior to the Final comes to her mind, and she replays their conversation about Zan and their passion for this sport and how much they put into it and how important it was to them, and had a very lovely time reminiscing about their memory, which is just the boost that she needed to attempt one of Zan's old specials and throw her weight into one side of the bike. And as she does this hairpin turn, the knee pad that's made of iron on her knee brushes against the ground with sparks flying behind her, and she reaches out with her hand that's closest to the track and brushes her fingers against the ground before popping back up a little bit unstable from not really having practiced that a ton before.
Penn: And as we see Hellcat thrash this turn, we turn to the other half of the Patina crew. How is Cassidy tackling this challenge?
Sydney: Cassidy is rolling three yellows and a green from four Athletics and three Speed of her bike with the blue die from the fancy fuel, against two reds and a purple.
[dice rolling]
Sydney: One failure, one advantage and a Triumph.
Penn: Oh, okay. Well, a Triumph means that you can take a point in whichever category that you would like, between Place, Technical, Swagger, and Tricks, but a failure does mean you're going to have to spend Integrity. So one failure, so you'll only have to spend two Integrity out of your six, but I have some questions for you to answer. So when you spend this Integrity, because this is Instability, what did you forget in your tuning crunch and how does it manifest now?
Sydney: I don't think they had the opportunity to get the bike all the way up to its top speed with the new fuel mixture. They tried it in more maneuvering based obstacles, and they tried it on a shorter track, but they just didn't have the space to get all the way as fast as this obstacle made it and it meant Cassidy's watching the speedometer as she approaches the spike wall and sees it get higher than she knows that the traction of the tires can handle on this turn because it had been broken down on a graph with Emma. And instead of taking this turn as fast as possible, she decides to do a bit of a stoppie to bleed off some of that extra speed beforehand, which slows her down significantly. But it is style points on this obstacle that's not super about that and so my Triumph will be that she gets one point in Tricks.
Penn: And then as Cassidy pulls this stoppie, I have another question for you. You can answer one of these flashback scene prompts - they're different than Birdie's: a moment of strength that now manifests as a weakness, a moment of conflict with one of the other racers, or a moment of regret about a sacrifice to get here.
Sydney: In practice, Cassidy had been very comfortable with pushing the bike up until its failure point, but because this change in the bike's performance meant that she could get outside of that safety margin, she's very secure knowing that she's safe, and as soon as it stops being safe, she reacted more strongly than she probably strictly needed to. She knows the bike's capabilities so well that it meant she didn't trust trying to push past them this time.
Penn: And we see that in Cassidy's eyes, that flicker of worry as we roll to see how the other racers are doing.
Cameron: What's Contagion's?
Penn: So two yellow, two green versus -
Nick: Two red and a purple?
Penn: Yep.
[dice rolling]
Cameron: One success, two advantages.
Penn: Do we want to lose any racers yet?
Cameron: I can roll a Fortune die for that. We have one Misfortune Pip.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And right through the beginning of the obstacle, it's already Carbon doing the Carbon Cutter.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Oh, I love the Carbon Cutter. You know, it's just one of those classic pieces of X Bike technique that never gets old.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Well, it's only made possible by his excellent equipment. But he's already through! That was it!
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] It was so fast I barely even got to enjoy how handsome he is.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] It's a good thing. There's 11 more racers coming up next, and here's Hellcat.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Wow. What an interesting technique she's demonstrating. Something entirely different from the Cutter, but somehow more successful. I think Hellcat is definitely going to be what we have to watch in this race.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Well, we have to watch all of them because they're all the racers, The Nuts.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] That's so much work. Can't we just, like, pick our two favorites? [cartoonish laugh]
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] And next up we've got the Shard! Ooh and she had to bleed off a bunch of speed there. She made it around safely. It looked pretty cool.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] There's a lot of tire on that track behind to that skid mark. I hope that doesn't come back to bite her later.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): I think the ground might be doing the biting later. And here's Contagion. Oh, clean right on through.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] The pack is doing very well, except - oh, oh no! Slow down! Slo- ooooooh. There goes the Gong,.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Gong of Team Cymbals has just laid the bike down into the spike wall and is walking away.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] I could only aspire to be that cool at some point in my life. Just completely nonchalan- and the bike explodes, do they - Oh, and Gong doesn't even look back! You gotta have - you gotta see it.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Gong gives a bow to the audience. Aw yeah.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Already the first obstacle we've had an explosion and peak showmanship. This is going to be one heck of a Championship race.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] You said it, The Nuts.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Now I'm contractually obligated to say, I hope that nothing bad happens to the racers, but you know, there's a reason we watch X Bikes.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] Let's see what we got up next.
Nick (as The Nuts): [over speakers] Well, Cletus, hopefully these next obstacles coming up will be just as exciting. Who knows who could be hurt, who could rise to the occasion, and who will do okay.
Sydney (as Cletus Axelhammer): [over speakers] We'll just have to wait and see.
Nick: We cut down to the track where Birdie has just passed Carbon Steel and is just barely inching out ahead of him. Birdie even over the sound of the engines, you can hear Carbon yell in your direction.
Nick (as Carbon): Chshaw. You may be ahead now, but I've just taken a running start to victory. [surfer laugh]
Kit: Birdie, just as they have a break between obstacles, will turn her head over her shoulder and stick out her tongue and go.
Kit (as Birdie): [blows raspberry]
Nick: Carbon is at a loss for words as the X Bike competition turns towards the next obstacle.
[hurdy gurdy music swells]
Outro:
Penn (as Marathon): Welcome back folks, you’re tuned to Going the Distance: Traveler’s Guide on road dial 1558. That’s a wrap on today’s log and we’re set to loop after these considerations. Further detail for the following is cataloged in the show notes.
This has been A Knight of Shreds and Patches, an actual play podcast using the Genesys game system from Fantasy Flight Games. The show is edited by Sydney Whittington, and features the talents of:
Kit Adames as Birdie. Kit can be found on Twitter and Instagram @ venusvultures. Kit is also a voice actor for Elevator Pitch Podcast, a queer genre-hopping anthology podcast that can be accessed on Spotify and YouTube.
Penn Van Batavia as Marathon. She can be found on Twitter @ acquiredchaste and in drag as horror king JOHN on Instagram @ john.is.risen. Penn is an indie TTRPG designer whose most recent work includes SLICE IT OUT, a grisly carving RPG about cutting pieces of yourself out to fit in. Check out faer other work at pennharper.itch.io.
Sydney Whittington as Cassidy. Sydney can be found on our Discord server, which is linked in the show notes, and on Twitter @ sydney_whitt. She’s also a contributing editor and occasional guest player for the Orpheus Protocol, a cosmic horror espionage actual play podcast.
Cameron Robertson as Emma. Cameron can be found on Twitter @ midnightmusic13 and on Instagram @ reading_and_dreaming. Cameron is also a player on Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars Edge of the Empire actual play podcast.
And Nick Robertson as narrator. Nick can be found on Twitter @ alias58. Nick is also the GM for Tabletop Squadron. Nick can also be found as a player on the Orpheus Protocol.
This podcast features the musical talents of Dora Violet and Arne Parrott. You can find Dora at facebook.com/doraviolett. You can find Arne at atptunes.com.
The official artwork for this podcast was created by Rashed AlAkroka, who can be found on Instagram and Artstation @ rashedjrs.
You can follow the Patina on Twitter @ akosap_podcast or visit the website: www.akosap.com. To further support the show, consider joining the Patreon at www.patreon.com/AKoSaP, where we’ll be bringing you weekly content including bonus episodes, campfire conversations, and other fun rewards.
Until you tune back…
…stay bold and stay kind